From light into complete darkness. This drastic shift can only take place in a dualistic reality. Like daytime changes to night, like dryness ends with rain. A massive explosion turned into an irreversible implosion. The implosions intensity is so strong, that it will become an explosion again. Even this expression of nature is bound to a dualistic pattern, to the forces of nature and its laws.

The wave of change came slowly, but strong. It was building its altitude far away from the coast, a wave gaining more height in the middle of the sea with the masses of water around and under it. Once it got close to the coast, it was just a matter of seconds before it broke. I was standing at the shore, my toes touching the water. I felt the sand under my feet, the wind in my hair and a bit of salt on my skin. I looked behind me and then up, when the wave had reached its highest and broke in slow motion over my head.

Suddenly masses of water were around me and all I was feeling was the immense force of that happening. I got pulled into the ocean. It was deep and dark, completely quiet and without any pain.

There was no light reaching from the surface down to the point where I was floating. I had my eyes wide open, almost mesmerised by what just happened. Suddenly I saw a light approaching from far away that came in high speed towards me. It was so sharp and bright, being the exact contrast to all other colours around me. Coming closer, I realised where this light was aiming to race to. I straightened my neck, arched my back and opened my chest. My arms were floating alongside my body and I took a deep breath. In that very moment, the light hit the center of my chest. 

My chest exploded, no – it was the light that exploded in my chest. Leaving nothing then an endless spiral going down into the boundless realms of the universe. All water around me got sucked into that spiral. I felt every turn over and over and over again, causing unthinkable pain. What the explosion caused in suffering, the spiral doubled or tripled. At one point, I didn’t feel the pain anymore, I was the pain. Boundaries blurred, duality faded. Only in that moment, I realised I had left known realities. 

With the last drop of water going down the spiral, I felt the swirl taking me with it. I was carrying that spiral in my chest and simultaneously I was at the bottom of it. Suddenly I became the protagonist and observer of the play. With this realisation, I also made the decision of following the story of the ‘I’ in the spiral, since both perspectives could not have been taken, even tho it happened outside of dualism. But since my operating system was working on planet earth, I needed to adopt. And there I was, at the bottom of unknown territory. 

What happens next, is quite simple. I got pulled like a puppet through all kinds of human emotions. At the beginning, it was mostly pain and suffering that was so intense that it transformed itself into physical pain as well. Then there were scenes of anger and rage, denial and disgust. And through it all, pain took over, again and again. I got so tired by it, at some points I fell unconscious. In those moments, I immediately was the observer again. The other ‘I’ watching the spectacle, judging and screaming and advising. 

Funny enough, but even though time wasn’t a variable in that game, it was only time that eased the situation. Since I felt its existence, I was willing to endure. After some time then, the force that pulled me around slowly weakened. I was able to gain enough energy to find the end of the spiral again and very slowly, I started to climb up. 

During the climb I felt very insecure and often fell back down. And – not gonna lie, sometimes I do still dream about it. Real dreams, very genuine. I had some help on the way from friendly energies and the power of the wind. I guess I was climbing the whole rib cage up to the center of my chest, where the spiral started. And with every meter I got closer, I felt water slowly filling up the spiral again. As if the water which got sucked down slowly made its way to the top. Once I was out of the hole, I looked back down and saw a calm pond in front of me. 

Just a pond, where the surface reflected the sky. No hint about what was there before, as if it was bluffing to be something completely different, pretending to be something else. I was finally able to take a deep breath in. Suddenly I realised that I was standing on my own chest, and the comet that just hitted changed my worlds perception forever. Panic arose from deep within me and both of my bodies, the one I was standing on and the one I was in, started to shake like crazy. Everything turned black. 

I woke up at the beach again, my body wet and sandy. There is a warm breeze coming from the sea, touching my face softly, moving the palm trees behind me. I feel like waking up from a very long dream. Everything that happened is just a memory now and no longer part of my reality. I crawl towards the palm trees and lie down on my back. Deep blue summer sky, birds chirping ancient melodies, the shadow of palm leaves slowly changing its shape. Pacha Mama, Mother Gaia is taking me home again. I am longing for her healing.

‘Letting go
Taking control
How does it feel when you’re on your own
Drifting away from your saftest place
The planet you knew is far from escape
Letting go’
– Mont Blvck